The Real Reason
by Pyrefangs
Summary: I want to tell him the reason I'm really working for Cerberus... but he isn't really making this easy on me. One-Shot from FemShepard PoV


**The Real Reason**

Author's Note: REALLY random something my brain kinda threw at me today. One-shot from Shepard's PoV. I don't really expect anybody to like it...but I felt that the only way to get it out of my brain was to write it, so here I go. Also, HUGE thanks to Rose13 for helping me smooth it out...if it wern't for her, then it'd be a whole lot crappier.

Disclaimer: The characters, places and things of the Mass Effect universe do not belong to me. If they did, Kaiden would be a romance option in both games… and less of an ass-hat.

~.~.~.~.~.~

"Commander Satari Shepard." My Omni tool beeped, and I blinked, looking around in slight confusion. "Captain of the Normandy." I focused my eyes on a stack of nearby crates, there were defiantly footsteps behind them…and I was sure I knew that voice. "The first human Specter." I watched as a man moved out into the clearing and stopped less than five feet in front of me. "Savior of the Citadel." A small smile formed on his face and I could feel the shock spreading to my face. "I find myself in the presence of a legend… and a ghost."

Kaidan? "Kaidan?" Was my mouth hanging open? And why, for that matter am I just standing here? Without thinking my legs move me forward and I all but fly into his arms. Oh yes, this was my Kaiden for sure… damn… he's been working out.

Kaidan wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me tightly against him… he's not going to make this very easy on me. "I thought you were dead Satari." Dipping his head, he buried his face in my hair and inhaled deeply. "We all did." Shit. There is his angry tone… how the hell am I going to explain this to him?

Clinging to him like some sort of human lifeline, I could feel the tears as they made swift tracks down my face. "I was… mostly dead." Yeah, mostly dead… cause that sounds intelligent. Looking up into his eyes my mind started to wander. "I didn't contact you because… god Kaidan, it's been two years for you. I figured… you moved on?" Hopeful tone. That's right, just tell me I'm wrong, and I can happily tell you about Kay.

Reacting as though hit, Kaiden pushed me backward, and I fell into Garrus's arms. What the hell Kaidan?

"Is that all you have to say?" He spit the words out and shook with anger. "You show up after two years, and act… act like nothing's happened?!"

You know, I didn't ask for you to be here… on this planet. After carefully steadying myself and pulling away from Garrus… is he trying to hold on to me… oh for fuck's sake not now Garrus. "Kaidan… don't…" I reach for his shoulder, only to have my hand slapped away.

"I thought we had something… Shepard." Didn't we establish that we were past titles…oh, he's mad at me. Wait… what the hell did I do... "Something real." He held a hand against his head for a minute, a look of pain crossing his face. Oh shit, his implant…"I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart!"

You know, this isn't easy for me either…Arms wrapped around my waist, I attempted to stop the crying, cause yeah, that was professional. I'm a soldier for fuck's sake. "I can explain-"

"How could you put me through that?!" And you cut me off. Kaiden moved closer to me and gripped my shoulders. Not sure if he wants to shake me or hug me… I'd prefer a hug… please? "Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know you were alive?"

Because Kaidan, I almost died...and woke up two years later scared to hell with a two year old girl. "When Cerberus found me, I was barely alive. They put my body in stasis…" Tell him…tell him Satari…don't be stupid… "It took them two years to put me back together." Don't look at his face…fuck, why do you have to look so angry at me… shit she looks so much like you. "Two years Kaidan… they passed normally for you, but for me it's barely been weeks."

Kaidan scoffs at me and looks away. "Alliance Intel thought Cerberus might be behind you being alive."

Oh what the fuck. Behind me Garrus let out a growl. "You knew then? And you blame her for saying nothing to you!?" Ooh! Garrus one…Kaidan zero.

"Rumors only Garrus. Anderson stonewalled me, told me there were rumors that Shepard wasn't dead…that she was working for the enemy." Kaidan turns and looks at me again, only this time there is more than anger in his eyes… I see hate now.

I feel my head shaking, "You don't understand… I have to help them!" How can I make you understand?

"You can't really believe that." He dismisses my statement with a wave of his hand. "We both know what Cerberus is capable of. I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive…" He gives me that look again. "But I never expected anything like this. You turned your back on everything that we believed in! You betrayed the Alliance…" His voice dropped to a whisper, and I had to strain to hear him. "You betrayed me."

Oh, I betrayed you? Betrayed you because I'm working for Cerberus? What is wrong with me… Just open your mouth and tell him Satari, I'm working for them because they hold OUR daughter hostage… Just open your mouth and say it. "You have to listen to me! I owe more than just my life to them. They need me to help stop the threat of the collectors… and the reapers."

Rolling his eyes, Kaidan started to pace back and forth. "I want to believe you Shepard… but I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using this supposed threat of Reapers to manipulate you!" Crossing his arms, he stared down at me. "What if they are the one's behind this threat? What if they are working with the Collectors?"

Garrus stepped forward and shoved Kaidan slightly. "Dammet Kaiden! You're so focused on Cerberus that you are ignoring what Satari is trying to tell you!" Mmm, I had better stop this before Garrus starts a fight.

"He's right Kaidan." Ok, hand on Garrus's arm… pull him back… fight averted, I hope. "There is something else you need to know, the reason that I feel indebted to Cerberus. You're not thinking straight… just listen to what I have to say." The hell is wrong with me. He's being a pig-headed jerk. Maybe Garrus is right.

Kaidan shook his head. "No, you simply feel that you owe Cerberus because they saved your life. Maybe you're the one who's not thinking straight." He pulled his Omni tool up and poked at it for a second, then continued. "You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I am an alliance soldier, always will be." Above them, an alliance ship appeared. "I've got to report back to the Citadel. I do not care to know anything about your dealings with bloody Cerberus." Fuck, I have to say something. I know he will help me if I just explain everything to him.

As Kaidan turned and walked toward where the ship was landing, I slowly sank to the ground. "Kaidan!" My voice echoed above the sound of the ship. "Please, come with me… listen to what I have to say! You'll understand if you just…" How hard can it be? You have a daughter, she's being held prisoner by the people you hate so much. Please come with me and help me end this so we can rescue her.

"No I won't. I'll never work for Cerberus. Goodbye… Satari." He looked away and disappeared around a platform. Fuuuuuck.

"Satari?" Garrus kneeled next to me, and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "I'm sorry… you should have just interrupted him and told him about Kay." he gently pulled me to my feet. "But no matter, if he is this pig headed… he doesn't deserve to know." Why is Garrus so nice to me… he's so understanding.

Clinging to his arm I let myself start crying again. "I have to tell him one day… maybe when all this is over." Cause I don't have the guts to just run after him and tell him now… cause I'm an idiot.

Garrus rolled his eyes, then activated his com. "Joker, send a shuttle. I think we've had enough of this colony."

I don't know if I hate you or not Kaidan… it would be easier if I didn't have to see your face every time I looked at our child. I continued to lean on Garrus as we walked toward the landing zone. At least he is here for me...


End file.
